Writing for idiots, and bored minds 101.

This column, has absolutely no scientific basis and is not supported by any particular school of , for the amateur writer who doesn't have much time to read 600 pages worth of 'how to write', I've concluded a few easy steps towards gathering your thoughts into meaningful and coherent pieces.

1. Never let an idea go to waste. Seriously even the silliest thoughts maybe acts of genius, without you knowing it. Even if the idea doesn't fit into the context of what you're writing at the time. Just write it down! Even a very brief plot can be merged into another story, making it much more interesting and brilliant!
2. You never know when inspiration is going to rain down on you. J.K Rowling thought of Harry Potter on the train. So simply be prepared. With the advancements in technology, most people can write down anything, anywhere on their mobile phone. If you have a touch screen that drives you mad! (like mine), then it would be wise to carry around a small notebook.
3. Writer's block is the worse thing that can happen to a writer. Been there, done that. It's frustrating and sometimes intolerably cruel! But it passes, so chill! So when you feel like your well has dried up: listen to some music, read something, or better yet watch some television. My English teacher once told me, that the night before an exam all you have to do is watch show series. However unlikely that may seem, it really does help.

1. Every great poem or story holds an even better personal story for it's writer. SO WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY WRITE! It helps, plus it's usually awesome.
2. Don't be weird.To write what is best, you must write what you know. Or you can go completely crazy, which is even better!

Well that's all I have for today. Join us again for another episode of writing for idiots and bored minds :D

A day in the life of an IG student.

I woke up at 5:30 A.M. No, wait 'woke up' would imply sleep.
I stopped trying to sleep at 5:30 A.M
It irritates me when I can't sleep, specifically when I've been trying for the past 3 days.
I scurried out of bed, brushed my teeth, and made my way down to the kitchen. I had 3 very concentrated cups of coffee, and mindlessly made my way back upstairs. I took a shower and got dressed.
3 more hours to go.
I had an anorexic breakfast, and watched some television, though I don't recall what it is I watched. When I had only an hour left, I thought it would be best to get some fresh air than stay at home and be one with my thoughts.
Today is my chemistry AS practical exam.

I took the long way to school. Killing as much time as I could. It was around quarter past eight, when I got to school. I ascended the stairs, entering the classroom that leads to the chemistry lab.
I entered the classroom, and found my friends, sitting silently,at a desk each. No one seemed to notice my entrance, except a few nods and smiles.
There seemed to be a form of ghostly presence in the room. Everyone was quietly facing the front, eyes blank, bodies rigid and tense. The few who weren't staring at the large black and white clock centred above the whiteboard, were staring into space or shifting in their seats, or whispering to themselves.
Probably revising, or praying.
I took a seat at the back, behind Sandra S. (I don't remember what her last name is, but it's something with an S)
She turned in my direction. I smiled and took a seat.
''Oh my God! I didn't sleep a wink yesterday! I'm going to fail! I'm going to screw up and break the apparatus, then I'm going to faint and get a U'', said Sandra in an anxious almost trembling voice.
Great this is just what I need, I thought, another nervous wreck, because I'm already feeling so perfectly serene inside.
''Calm down!'' I said with a forced smile,''You'll do great, don't worry.''
'' No I won't!'', she whimpered and then started breathing very fast and hard. A boy sitting on her left side even turned around to see where the noise was coming from.
I put my hands on her shoulders and said in the calmest tone I could muster, '' It's going to be fine ,okay? Repeat after me. I am calm and cool.''
Sandra closed her eyes, and repeated. '' I am calm and cool,'' she said, ''I am so calm and cool. I'm as cool as a cucumber. I'm so calm and cool I could be dead.Yes..I am dead.''
I stared at her with raised eyebrows, wondering whether I should call the nurse or burst out laughing.
She opened her eyes suddenly, wildly and said, '' Oh my God I'm going to die! I'm going to have a heart-attack and die!''
She started hyperventilating again. And just as I was about to start another therapy session, the door creaked open and our chemistry teacher entered, accompanied by an invigilator from the British council.
It's time.
They gave us a speech, about exam protocol, and lead us into the lab.
The apparatus was distributed or already there, I can't remember which.
At 9 o'clock the exam began.
I said my prayers and started.
It was barely 5 minutes into the exam, when Adam dropped his pipette. It crashed to the ground, and shattered.
Technically, breaking an instrument is not catastrophic. The lab is equipped well enough to supply any student with whatever they need.
But breaking an apparatus is an omen. Like the natural elements of the earth are rejecting your presence. It's a sign that you might not do well. But if you have enough self-confidence and stability, then it's not much of a problem.
Poor Adam, that'll do more damage to his performance than anything.
After the broken glass was cleaned up, everything proceeded smoothly for the most part, nothing to panic seriously about yet.Maybe my nightmares weren't going to come true.
For the past week I'd had dreams about my chemicals spontaneously bursting to flames, and my burette mutating into a monstrous beast and swallowing me whole.
I was beginning to loosen up,
when suddenly I hard shouts and screams. I looked around looking for the source, and found everyone quickly backing away from our table.
I looked up to find Adam's test tube over flowing with grey ooze.Smoke was coming out of it too. Vigorously, and frighteningly so. He was holding it at arm's distance, with a horror-struck expression. His arms started to shake, and I backed away quickly.
He let out a scream, before dropping the test-tube and holder. It shattered loudly on contact with the floor. We all started to scream as well.
Stress does strange things to people.
He ran screaming out of the room, and was followed by for or five of the more weak-hearted students, along with the invigilator who was shouting angry instructions.
I started to laugh. It was either that or I was going to cry.
I looked at the other side of the room to find Sandra rushing out, hands swaying in the air.
Now what?
I looked to my right side, at what was left of my own exam, only to find my burette swelling.
What the hell?
It started getting bigger and squeezed through the stand. But that's impossible! It's made of glass! I stood there mouth open, dazed. Maybe the sleep-deprivation was finally getting to me.
No, Mr.B was staring at it too.
I started to scream myself, and ran screaming out of the lab. I looked behind me to find the burette following my tracks. Clinking and clanking its way towards me.
Death by chemistry. Not very glamorous.

Sometime around two in the morning, I woke up screaming. ''That's it!'', I thought, ''If I have this dream one more time I am going to seek professional help!''
Considering the fact that I graduated 3 years ago, and am still having dreams about an exam that ended and went well, Not to mention the mild depression I get around the months of June November and January, for no reason. Professional help wouldn't be asking too much.

In a soggy world...

A faint, solemn whisper,

Discarded and deprived.

Of the air that used to give it life,

That little voice inside.

A battered and bruised belief,
An ambiance of still.

What chance has the incredible?

When the logic world finds it's kill.

And as the hours fail me,
And though my hopes do try,
My dreams unfold and scatter,

like teardrops in the sky.

My arrogance or confidence,
Is sparingly the same,

Why not invest in vanity?

whilst I'm still sane.

To hell with all the misanthropists,
The cynic, placid minds.

My Cause is simple,

A worthy audience it shall soon find.

It's easy,

On criticism I'll put a ban.

and if I do then maybe,

I'll earn myself a fan.

For looking at the glass half empty,

Is like staring into the abyss.

Looking for rainbow monkeys,

The gruesome hoplessness I shan't miss.

The Adventures of Tantan and Frego - A picnic.

Tantan, singing loudly and horribly: '' I'M SIIIINNGIIING IN THHEE RAAINN, JUUSTT SIINGIING IN THE RAAAINN, WHAAAT A GLORIOOUS- OUUUCH!!!!''

''Consider yourself warned'', said Frego.

Tantan grimaced in a horror struck expression,''You didn't have to hit me with that!, You could have just told me to be quiet,'' said Tantan.


''I did,'' said Frego yawning, ''34 times. You know I don't usually resort to violence, but I'd like to keep my sanity,thank you very much, and there seemed to be no other way to bring you back from your trance.''

''What are you talking about?!, I know, you don't like the song.Maybe if I change the song, a little Queen perhaps,'' said Frego, a grin forming on his long green face.

'' It's not so much the song choice, as it is the voice. Tantan, your talents are simply too precious to be offered to the outside world with nothing in return, '' said Frego. ''I also fear that an angry mob might be forming beyond that clearing, who will become angrier still if they do not find a dying mule on this lily pad.''

''How could anyone possibly be under the impression that there's a dying mule here!'',said Tantan , shaking his head.

''Not, so much dying, rather complaining of labour pains,''mused Frego, chuckling silently.

But Tantan had stopped paying attention, as was now quickly rising on his hind legs. The muscles of his slim green figure, were tensed and alert, his head moved from side to side, nostrils following an invisible scent.


''Frego! Frego! can you smell that?'',cried Tantan his eyes blazing with excitement.

Frego had begun to pick up on Tantan's drift of enthusiasm. A mesmerising scent of honey had filled the air, and it was beginning to drive the little frogs' senses mad.


''Where is it coming from?!,'' moaned Tantan as he bounced up and down on the small lily pad.


''I ..don't..know'', said Frego looking around. ''Wait, Tantan...Tantan calm down!'' The bouncing had reached a frightening height, shaking the lily pad they were sitting on.
Frego had to jump up to keep himself from falling into the cold spring water.

''It's getting closer!'', cried Tantan, his head and body overcome with excitement, making him twitch and turn and bounce.

''Will you please, RELAX!, you look like a cat having convulsions ,''said Frego angrily.

And just as Frego was about to tumble into the depths of the blue beneath them, Tantan froze.

A rustling sound had erupted through the grass surrounding the small lake.
Later,it was clear that Tantan's sudden immobility had not been for nothing, the sound of human footsteps were enough to paralyse any of the small lake creatures.

And with the loud footsteps, that crunched through the green golden-stroked grass, the smell of honey became stronger.

Frego and Tantan both jumped,without thought, into the water. As if triggered by a switch,the sounds of crickets, birds and other lake creatures, that had filled the air just a moment ago, were silenced.
The sound came closer still, too close. Frego could hear,from beneath the water, the sound of nearing footsteps.His heart rate began to accelerate, but only one thought occupied his mind. ''Where is Tantan??!!'', thought Frego.
Frego Twisted and turned in the water, resting only when he found a small greenish figure submerged,in the shadow of a lilypad.
The sound was growing quieter now, more distant. ''Thank God'', thought Frego. Tantan had obviously picked up on the change in security, as he was slowly made his way, away from beneath the lily pad.

''Not now! Not now!,'' screamed Frego mentally, ''It's too early for that!...You can't come out now!''

However, Tantan seemed to be deaf to Frego's internal bellowing, and swam faster through the water, until finally stopping and bouncing on to a small rock.

Frego swam ferociously toward the rock upon which Tantan lay. Frego pulled his head up from beneath the water, ''You greedy idiot!, get down this instant!, what if the human sees you?'', yelled Frego.

''He won't see me,'' said Tantan, looking around. '' Oh look! There it is! There it is!'',sang Tantan.

Tantan was now looking at a large straw picnic basket that had been placed on the pebbled ground at the shore of the lake.

The afternoon sun, sent a radiance down on the basket that gave it a mysterious glow.

Finding the source of the honey brought alive a world of possibility in Tantan's head.

''Maybe the human's gone and left the basket,'' thought Tantan, ''Well, isn't that nice of it?''

Tantan was starting to lose control of his muscles. He was sliding, almost unknowingly, off the rock and towards the basket. He dived into the water, humming tunes of joy, and swam towards the shore.

''What are you DOING?'',yelled Frego after Tantan, ''Have you completely LOST YOUR MIND?''.

''Tantan! TANTAN! COME BACK!,'' screamed Frego.But it was too late. Tantan was now happily making his way out of the water, onto the shore.

''Yummy, Yummy, Yum!'' sang Tantan, as he approached the golden basket.

Tantan disregarded Frego's cries and hopped right into the picnic basket.

Frego watched Tantan jump into the basket, and became furious. ''I should just leave him there and let the human find him,''thought Frego. But despite himself ,Frego found that he was slowly making his way toward the shore.

Frego pulled his head out of the water ''Tantan! TANTAN! GET OUT NOW!'' yelled Frego.

Tantan was too deep in the basket to hear Frego.

Frego swam to the shore and hopped slowly towards the basket. As he approached the basket the smell of the honey grew stronger, drawing him closer, and more quickly, until he was in the basket with Tantan.

Frego found Tantan sitting in the shadow of a loaf of bread, covered in honey, with a dazed and delirious look on his face.

Frego raised an eyebrow as if to question the cause behind Tantan's present state of mind.

''The honey.. hahahaha!... tryyyyy the honeeey!'', said Tantan, giggling and hiccuping.

''The human's due back any-'',said Frego, but he had become distracted by the magnificent scent, and could barely form coherent thoughts. ''Maybe just one taste,''thought Frego hungrily.

Frego looked around to see a large transparent jar of honey. It kicked his salivary glands into action, but before he could even get close to the jar, the basket began to shake. The sudden frightening movements, pulled Tantan out of his daze, and he was overcome with fear. The entire contents of the basket had started moving, everything began to roll around and tumble over, each object threatening to crush the two little frogs.

''What's happening?'',asked Tantan. ''The human is back,'' answered Frego, as the two frogs jumped and leaped over various moving objects.

''WE'RE GOING TO DIE!! WE'RE GOING TO DIEE!', moaned Tantan.

''Quiet. We are not going to die,'' said Frego, saying it to himself more than to Tantan.

''Frego I'm sorry I didn't listen to you,'' said Tantan in a timid voice, avoiding Frego's eyes.

''Well, let's just add this event to the list of many other glorious events, when you didn't listen to me, and...'' said Frego sourly.

''where do u think it's taking us?'' asked Tantan.

''Could be anywhere,'' said Frego closing his eyes and preparing himself for the journey ahead, wondering whether he would ever be able to return to his favorite lilypad.

To be continued....

A happily Miserable Land.

Purple bruises, purple roses.

Shortened trees and flared noses.

Up and down, and down and up,

Rattle snakes in a pink tea cup.

Crowded roads and crowded minds,

Running water in iron binds.

Mountains of cream, empires of dust.

Empty towers engraved in rust.

Sandy seashores, jelly fish men,

Mindless ducks clucking after a hen.

Caramelised sugar, burnt to a crisp.

A breeze that carries the smell awhisp.

And laugh and scream and cheer,

oblivious, happy, no primitive fears.

Explanation/Interpretation:

purple bruises.... Is the beauty and pain in colour.

Shortened trees.... Is the dismissal of nature.

Flared noses... Is anger and regret.

Up and down...Is disorder.

Rattle snakes....Is the concealment of deadly nature, using a pretty, seemingly harmless exterior.

Running water in iron binds... Is the entrapment of something that can't be contained.

Mountains of cream.... Is greatness built on air.

Empires of dust....Is the regret over the greatness that used to be, which is now dust.

Sandy seashores, and jellyfish men...Is the encouragement of cowardice.

Mindless ducks... ducks don't cluck they quack, which symbolises the imitation of something inferior to gain acceptance.

Caramelised sugar....Is overdoing something good, until its ruined.The consequences of extremities.

A breeze... That's the people that carry on like nothing has happened, bearing the smells or signs of burnt sugar.( loss and despair)

And laugh and scream...Because they don't know what to do with themselves.

Oblivious,happy....Is joy in ignorance, the primitive fear is the fear of the unknown.

We come in pieces

I dream that I'm falling,
and the distance to my settlement grows.
Unnerved, I scramble, and worry,
who knows?

I contemplate the forces pulling me down,
My subconscious is warning me,
I'm about to drown.

The darkness of my inability,
My loss of control,
Pains me more than my failure,
To compel my soul.

Shadows dwell in the corners of my mind,
they're angered by their suppression,
Hoping, needing, pleading with myself,
to find.
The outlet, the exit,
My cure.

It burns against the hollow of my skull,
An Icy blaze of emptiness,
Incomplete, betrayed,dull.
Oh when will the beautiful images caress?

I'm loosing the essence,
The second life within me,
That shatters the cold, meaningless presence.
Like the air that I breathe,
It wants to be free.

My solace is crumbling,
My guards unravelling,
The world is closing,
The darkness growing.

The only thing pushing me forward is the hope that it will return,
It's arrival has become my sole,
waking concern.

But my cries remain unanswered,
And my faith is shining dim,
Maybe it was nothing but a temporary whim.

I've lost myself, If I'm loosing the fight,
And my sanity is fumbling,
To evade the fright.
And so proceeds the numbing.

The short life of a tissue box

I am a tissue box, a small insignificant,often discarded object. My importance exists only when my owner is in a state of unhappiness or when certain things need to be wiped away. I am writing this memoir as I fear my end is approaching, you see my life extends only as far as the number of napkins in my grasp.

May 27Th 2004
I sat in a dark corner, one I had laid in for a long time, un-utilized and bored. Concealed by showers of pink cushions and stuffed animals, irritated by my immobility, I waited. Most of the time I counted the stars on the quilt beneath me, I imagined at times that their numbers changed, as they shifted forwards and backwards, though they've never moved. Eva had not visited her room all day. if I didn't have a headache I'd have been worried.
I sat there for a few hours, until finally, I heard the thumping of feet on the stairs. My heart rate accelerated as I interpreted the rhythm of her pace. It was unusual, too fast and without the same music that usually carried her. She stormed in and slammed the door behind her. The sound of her frantic movements began approaching me, and I immediately felt a wave of fear go through me.
Suddenly cushions started to rise from around me and the room began to get brighter, as the obstructions were gradually removed. Then, to which my heart fell to my cardboard base, a hand clawed me upwards. I flew in the warm air of her room for a while before landing abruptly and violently on her bed. If I had a voice, a would have yelled at her for such rude handling, how dare she, almost harm the soft, delicate, jasmine-scented perfection of my napkins? What disgusting particulate does she want to wipe away now?
Then I stopped, in mid-thought, as I heard the sound of tragic sobbing, and all my angry thoughts seemed to evaporate. The sound hurt, like tiny daggers rippling through my cotton stuffing. I wanted her to stop, I couldn't handle her tears, they burned me as they crawled down her cheeks. She pulled napkin after napkin out of my head. Like leaves falling of a tree or the shedding of dead skin, after we were separated I could no longer feel them. I could feel myself getting thinner, and with the extraction of each napkin I became weaker. My mind was was ,however, consumed by the sound of Eva's weeping, a sound that was growing louder, and more frantic by the minute.
She had planted me in a perfect position, in the middle of her bed, where I was able to see everything now. Eva sat curled into a small ball, sobbing loudly into a green pillow. Next to her lay a small pink mobile. I had heard he irritating pest ring so many times before, but I had never imagined how small and easily destroyable it was. Oh if only. Just when my mind was about to drift onto the ways of which I could bring about the phone's end, it started to end. ''Hello'', Eva answered in a muffled tone. I heard the squeaks of the person on the other line, a female. The rasps were fast and loud, I could not comprehend them, but then they stopped. Eva had been listening quietly throughout the conversation, until the rasping stopped, and she burst into tears once more.
As much as her unhappiness hurt me, the curiosity of what was bothering her burnt me more severely. The rasping started again, this time it excited me, I wanted to know what was happening! It was driving me mad! I listened intently, but my attempt was dismal. The rasping continued and the sobbing followed, until Eva mumbled what sounded like ''I'll miss you''. More rasping, more sobbing, then a goodbye. The sobbing continued more violently afterward, and I discovered weeks later that the cause of her distress was the departure of her best friend, who moved to Australia. The night I am narrating, is when Eva found out. That night Eva took out almost a quarter of my napkin stock,crying her eyes out. I cried myself though my tears are invisible. Eva fell asleep crying, but I watched her till dawn before bowing out myself.

introduction

where the mind fuels the soul,
and dreams are submerged beneath reality,
when all you have is what your subconcious creates,
and hope depends on how well you cling to your imagination,
when the worst battles are the conflicts within yourself,
and overcoming them is like dismally trying,
to fill the void.